My intended quiet time in the early morning hours is not what it once was. What was a long period of worship, reading of psalms and proverbs, journaling, and prayer, is now like a blank time of intended decompression. I can’t get my brain to settle down to rest with God no matter how early I rise. Everything in me is numb, racing, restless- all at the same time. I have ADHD of the soul.
My soul is in overload, overdrive, and is overstimulated. With too many different thoughts and needs competing for attention, my mind flips and flops around not able to attach itself to anything. My morning spiritual quiet time has morphed into my morning numbing. I cannot access that pure peace I once received daily. God seems to be silent …and honestly, I’m hardly asking questions anymore. I’m flat. My desire is stale. Everything is depressed.
But thank the Lord for laughter. I am still able to laugh and laugh a lot. Laugh until I’m crying. Tears are tears, and my soul needs an outlet and laughter has been good medicine. I feel alive after a good laugh, I’m reminded there is still joy. This is God’s gift to me right now, satisfying my deep thirst during this season of emotional drought, soul drought, and even spiritual drought.
I love reading, and typically all different genres, but it is now a point of contention for me. My mind jumps around… Is this the most important thing to read? What scriptures are most important for me right now? What movies, what prayers? I mean, where do I even begin if I can’t even decide what books to read? And so I spend too much time wondering if any of it is even worth my time. Am I in the mood for anything at all? Probably not.
The same way with food. I crave nothing-nothing sounds satisfying or tasty. When I’m hungry, I just want my stomach filled – I don’t care what it is. Often I have toast for my meals. Sometimes with avocado, and sometimes just butter and salt. These kinds of meals satisfy me. I have cooked about once a month this past year. I cooked 2 to 3 meals a day for most of my adult life including a time as a private chef for 7 families. Eating is now just a means to an end.
My soul, mind, and emotions are like an over stuffed closet. Jumbled, full of random items, some things need to be discarded , while others need to be kept and given new life, or repaired, donated, polished, repurposed, or even altered. This is what needs to be done in the closet to my mind, the closet to my emotions, habits, beliefs. The attention deficit is real, and the best way to eliminate the deficit is to remove distractions-create uncluttered space so the soul can expand and thrive. I’m currently on a focused personal journey to purge the closet of my soul, making room for healing, alterations, and new things to come.
