What do you do for fun?

There was a running theme in my life for four weeks straight.  Everywhere I turned someone was confronting me with the same question and would thoughtfully ask me, “So, what do you do for fun?”

I typically never talk to the person sitting next to me while I am on an airplane.  As I settled in my seat while attempting to balance my Starbucks, purse, and laptop, the woman next to me offered to hold my coffee for me while I situated myself into my seat for the flight.  I politely thanked her as she handed back my coffee but I had a feeling she was not through wanting to talk to me. I pulled out a screenplay I was reading, put on my glasses, and immediately tried to disappear into the story with coffee in hand.  I could feel her watching as she was trying to determine what I was reading. It did not take long and she leaned over to ask, “What do you do?”  When I told her I was a writer and was currently trying to get my first manuscript published, she naturally asked what the book was about.  I looked at her and  simply replied, “Grief”.  She said, “Oh, now that is a much-needed topic.”

She went on to tell me that she had not only been widowed twice, but also had lost one of her sons when he was 21 when he was hit by a woman who was texting while driving. Upbeat and friendly in her tone and words, she began to share with me all of the ways she tries to make the best of her life each day.  She said music makes her happy so every morning the first thing she does is turn on music and it follows her throughout her day.  After much talking, she turned to me and said, “You have to find the things that make you happy and do those things.  What makes you happy? What do you do for fun?”

I was silent. Suddenly at a loss for words, I could not answer her questions.  I did not know what made me happy.  What do I do for fun?  I think I stopped fun 3 years ago when my husband died.  I was confronted with the realization that I had edged happiness and fun right out of my life.  I immediately sunk into deep thought, and sadness, as I admitted to myself that I could not quickly answer these simple questions because I was out of practice and had not experienced either in some time.

While sitting across from my sweet mother-in-law the next night over dinner in a busy restaurant, she narrowed her gaze on me, leaned forward and said directly to me, “What do you do for fun?”  I felt like I had just been blindsided.  Without moving my eyes away from hers, tears quickly began to spill over and run down my cheeks.  I covered my mouth with my napkin and shook my head.  She never took her eyes off of me as she continued to lean forward.  The sounds of the busy restaurant faded to a quiet buzz in the background as she firmly admonished me with these slow, deliberate, releasing words, “You’ve – got – to – live- your- life.”  We sat there staring at one another with our tear filled eyes locked.  She continued on with her words, “You are too young.  You are beautiful.  You are talented. You are a wonderful mother.  You have so much to offer….you’ve got to do it for you.”

I kept staring at her as all of her words sunk into me like nourishment to my inner soul.  During the following silent seconds we simply looked at one another as if in agreement, while at the same time I was trying to keep my tears from going out of control.  I finally nodded my head as if to say, “Yes, ma’am.”

Two weeks later while talking to a new acquaintance back in New York, I was suddenly confronted again with the same simple, yet complicated, question. It resurfaced as if to remind me that it was not going anywhere until I could answer it….”So, what do you do for fun?”

Why do I have to answer this?  Do I have to face this now? I am sure there are things I do for fun, aren’t there? Yes, I must turn my attention to this and allow myself to think about it. 

It was problematic to answer this because I realized that what I once did for fun or what once made me happy had changed and morphed into a different me. Well, actually not a different me, this “me” was always here.  I am only delayed in discovering parts of it, finally giving myself permission to it,  or have delayed it intentionally because I wanted to always do things for fun that my husband and I did together.  To answer it even more honestly, it is also because I denied myself for a long time convincing myself that it was not important.  It’s also easy as a mother to get caught up in what makes your kids happy or what they want to do for fun to the point that our personal preferences often get placed in the back seat or sadly, even forgotten.

So now I am looking at myself, as an individual.  Jene’ Ray Barranco…What do you do for fun?  What makes you happy?  A few of the answers that fall into the fun category are things that I think would be fun and I would like to try them, while others I have tried but it has been a long, long time since I did them, or still others, I am actually currently doing.

This was a necessary exercise for me and another step forward towards my life purpose. All of these baby steps slowly add up to great progress in this journey where God has placed me.  I had to put my gaze and my eyes straight ahead, not looking back, but looking squarely at the present and uncover this individual. It forced me to get reacquainted with Jene’ Ray Barranco and what makes her tick.  Thank you Rosemary, for making me talk to you on the plane that day.  You were an inspiration.

What do I do for fun?
• Spend the day in NYC by myself or with a friend exploring
• Spend time with a close girl friend simply being girls
• Climb indoor rock walls
• Play tennis
• Dance
• People watch in Central Park
• Create anything
• Watch the Knicks play at Madison Square Garden
• Watch romantic comedies
• Watch Modern Family…yes, I admit it☺
• Listen to live music
• Practice casting with a fly fishing rod
• Browse through roadside antique shops
• Try every flavor of ice cream in the summer
• Eat at restaurants on my “To Try” list
• Take high level cooking classes at the CIA
• Boxing
• Listen to French music
• Target practice with a shotgun
• Play horse with my kids…because I am a really good☺
…And still more to come

What makes me happy?
• Watching the sunrise on our property
• Watching the sunset over the mountains
• A delicious breve’ cappuccino at 5:30 in the morning
• A delicious breve’ cappuccino at 1:30 in the afternoon
• Music with a great groove
• Baking anything
• The smell of something baking in my house
• Putting a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie in my mouth
• Happy children
• Eating a high quality, artisan dark chocolate
• Exercising
• Having meals planned
• A long time of prayer and conversation with God
• Pinot noir with a friend
• Great conversations
• Quality time with people that matter to me
• Worship music
• Dancing…this one overlaps☺
• Reading books aloud to children
• Sending people “happies” in the mail
• Getting unsolicited hugs from my children
• Catching a fish
• Watching I Love Lucy
• Nail polish on my fingernails and toenails
… And still more to come

Grief vs Loneliness

Last month I had an epiphany-my eyes were opened to the similarities of grief and loneliness and I have long confused the two. 

It reminded me of something I wrote several months after my husband died called Grief vs. Fear.  I talked about how the body responds to grief and fear with identical physical symptoms.  It's not only  hard to discern one from the other, but they can often be intertwined as one.  As C.S. Lewis wrote on this in his book entitled A Grief Observed, “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid.”

…. No one ever told me loneliness felt so like grief. I am not “grieving”, but the sensation is like grief.

If you know me, or have read much of my writing, you will know I think and examine life with much introspection.  I am a continual student with an insatiable appetite to learn, grow and transform while moving forward in this journey of life.  I regularly look back at my life and ask questions, like…  Why did I respond that way? Why did that change?  Why don’t I do that anymore?  Why did I ever do that before? Why am I feeling this way?  Why does that hurt my heart? Why did that make me cry?  What does this mean? Why am I afraid of that?  Why do I hold on to that? What am I supposed to learn from this? Why is grief still lingering so? Why do I feel so lonely all of the time?

These kinds of questions brought me to a place of recognition that I have mistaken loneliness for grief.

Webster’s dictionary defines “grief” as, “deep sadness caused especially by someone’s death, deep poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement.”  It defines “lonely” in similar terms, "sad from being apart from other people, cut off from others, sad from being alone, producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation, causing feelings that come from being apart from other people."

Notice grief can be deep distress “as if" caused by bereavement, which means the same feeling can be experienced but not because of the death of someone.  Loneliness is deep distress, or bleakness, and without bereavement as well.

After moving from Mississippi to New York, 19 months after my husband’s sudden death, I found myself in a good place emotionally for the first time since he had died.  My hope and purpose for life were slowly resurrecting from the ashes.  I recently looked back at photographs taken the first few months after the move and I noticed my face was lit up with joy, and the grief, the tiredness, the darkness, and the excruciating pain had lifted from my countenance.  I could see the hope again in my eyes. 

…Then January 2013 hit

I came down with a harrowing case of the flu lasting three weeks. I felt alone and frightened without another adult in the house depending solely on my children for my every need.  (I must add that they did an amazing job.) Looking back, I can now see that it was at this point the loneliness began to fall on me like a dense fog.   As if this had not been enough for me to handle, my dad experienced a severe stroke at the beginning of the third week.  I was in bed in New York, he was in bed in Mississippi slipping in and out of consciousness.

I could barely walk to the bathroom or kitchen, so the idea of getting on a plane and flying to his bedside was out of the question.  For the next seven days, I lived by text messages from my four siblings and conversations with my mom. I kept thinking, “If I can only get my strength up to shower and go to the kitchen, then I can fly to Mississippi to hold his hand.”

About the time I was getting stronger, I received the call informing me he was getting transferred to hospice.  I had four days, at best, to get there before he died. We flew in on a cold and rainy Sunday afternoon.  I held his hand and threw myself across his chest while he lay there unconscious, struggling to breathe.  I kissed his hands, his forehead, and his cheeks… I touched his hair… I studied our hands together and realized how similar they were… I held a cool damp cloth on his warm forehead… I thanked him for what he had been to me… I told him he had done a great job… I whispered in his ear… I prayed aloud… I recited my favorite scripture to him, "Oh God, you are my God, early will I seek you.  My soul thirsts for you, my flesh longs for you in a dry and thirsty land where there is no water. Because your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips shall praise you..."… I told him I loved him. 

I awoke in the early hours the next morning to a phone call from my sister that he had just died… almost exactly two years after my husband.

After returning to New York, I began a long stretch of months with new emotions.  New because they were slightly different than the kind of grief I had felt when my husband Michael died.  I was not able to put my finger on it until last month.  I was experiencing loneliness. Two years of living inside my own little time capsule, pulled away from people, and not having a life companion beside me had finally brought me to the door of loneliness. 

Countless months last year I thought I was only grieving but now I realize that the grieving had turned into sheer loneliness.  I was sad from being apart from other people. Apart from someone who loved me for me, and all that I am. I was sad from being alone for two straight years without anyone whom to share my life on a daily basis.  I was experiencing a feeling of bleakness or desolation…loneliness.

Now another year has passed, and I sit here looking back at it to extrapolate all that I can in order to learn from what I experienced.

There are times when looking back can be a good thing if the purpose for looking back is to learn from our past to help improve our future.  In keeping our eyes straight ahead on the road that lies before us, we must sometimes look back in order to recognize a pattern, or where we experienced roadblocks, what worked, what did not work, or to remember where we made a wrong turn so that we will not do it again.  Looking back for the sole purpose of bemoaning what we see in our past or wishing things had turned out differently does not help us to keep the journey moving forward and, often times, can only cause us to stumble over our feet as we turn around while trying to walk at the same time.

By looking back over last year, I learned that I had stepped over from grieving to loneliness.  This is actually a good sign to me.  I had been wondering if I was ever going to come out of the deep grief, but now I realize that I had, even if it only rolled over into a state of loneliness.  Loneliness can be remedied…grief, death, loss cannot. Grief is what it is.  Death is what it is.  The loneliness I feel means I am craving to be around people and I am ready, and need, to allow people back into my life.  This is a positive step forward in this journey called life and can only propel me more towards my purpose.

I am More Than a Conqueror

As I was doing some editing today, I came across something I had written almost eight months after my husband Michael died.  Two and a half years have passed since I wrote it and almost three years have passed since he died.  It has been good for me to step back and see just how far I have come in this healing journey to living a full life again.  This particular quote jumped out at me because I remember thinking at the time I wrote it that this day, today, would never come. The road was dark without an end in sight. Over time, I have truly conquered countless things and the road got brighter with each forward step I took.   This passage lists the tangible ways that I thought would be signs of restoration of life.

“I look forward to the day when I will feel good all over again, breathing with freedom, laughing more frequently, excited about each new day and what it brings, and looking to the future again with a heightened expectancy of something good always around the corner….. which is how Michael and I viewed our life journey with God. A day when there will be no more yucky, sick feelings in the pit of my stomach, no more weight on my back and chest, no more sleepless nights, no more daily tears, no more strained conversations with people, and no more pain during church. 

I know the day will come but I am feeling beaten down in the process.  This week I reminded myself of God’s promise, ‘In all these things, I am more than a conqueror through him who loved me.’  Romans 8:37 

 I can, and will do this”.

God has rescued me!  I am more than a conqueror!  I am breathing again without reminding myself to do it.  I am laughing more frequently.  I am excited about each new day and I am looking to the future with heightened expectancy of something good.  There are no more sick feelings in the pit of my stomach.  The weight on my chest is gone.  Sleepless nights…well, sometimes.  No more daily tears.  No more strained conversations and I don’t cry in church any more!  The day has come and I barely recognized it because I crept upon it with baby steps. I conquered one thing at a time.

There are still more baby steps to go but thank God the dark valleys are behind me!  I have pressed into life, kept my eyes straight ahead with each step, and focused on my purpose.  As I lift my eyes today, I am able to see the great distance I have traveled.

 I am more than a conqueror…

Wandering, but not Lost

An often-quoted line from the famous riddle in J. R. R. Tolkien’s fantasy classic, The Fellowship of the Ring, is “Not all who wander are lost.”  The poem, as a whole, is a prophecy of Aragorn’s ascension to the throne.

All that is gold does not glitter
Not all who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king. 

The second line refers to Aragon’s travels.  He was a part of a group called the Rangers, who were viewed as wanderers or vagabonds by those they actually protected from evil.  They appeared to wander, but they were not lost.  They were on a mission.

There are two very different ways to look at the word wander.  One can mean “to move about aimlessly” or to drift, float or stray.  People can wander and pursue all of the wrong things for all of the wrong reasons. Wander can also imply something completely different.  Wander can also mean, “ to follow a winding course.”   This is to chase, go after, or pursue a winding course. A wanderer can be a voyager, a person who takes risks, or an explorer, a trailblazer, a pathfinder, or a pioneer. It can be one who has made a purposeful decision to wander.  This is far from aimless.  

Rove is one of its synonyms suggesting, “vigorous and sometimes purposeful roaming.” This wanderer is unlike the one who loses their focus of the intended goal and begins to carelessly wander away from the right direction.  This wanderer never loses their focus but realizes they must pull off of the main road and take a different one because they recognize a heightened significance of each step and this part of the journey will require extreme focus in order to stay the course.  While searching for a path that will lead the way, it may appear that one is wandering, when in reality, it is a purposeful search.  They are on a mission. 

This is wandering with a purpose because you know that through the wandering, you will find the best path, and be wiser for the wandering.  I am focusing on this type of wandering, which potentially propels us with more direction, aim, and purpose once we discover the path we are destined to blaze.  

Many choose not to wander but to stay on the main road because traveling on winding roads makes them nervous.  The shortest distance between two points may be a straight line but often times can also be a missed opportunity by not taking the winding road.  Sometimes all we need is a change of scenery, away from the noise, to help us see the path ahead more clearly and gain a renewed sense of purpose for the direction we are traveling.   Jesus rarely took the shortest distance between two points.

Being led by the Holy Spirit, Jesus wandered in the desert before launching full speed ahead into his life’s purpose. His wandering was far from aimless. The Holy Spirit can also lead us during our times of wandering.  As God revealed His commission to Christ while he wandered in the desert, God can reveal His commission to us while we wander, if we are able to hold our focus on Him.   Having all other distractions of life stripped away, wandering can be a time of intense guidance from God.  

Wandering is usually not done in crowds or even in small groups.  Wandering is usually a journey of one.  Often times, wandering even appears to go against the flow. It is one person, pulled away from the mainstream, even going against mainstream, allowing time for observation, deliberation, circumspection, reflection, and retrospection.

Years ago, my late husband was heading off to the mountains in Colorado for a spiritual “boot camp” sponsored by Ransomed Heart Ministries.  Before leaving, I gave him a t-shirt that read, “Not all who wander are lost.”   It had an image of a pair of hiking boots under it.  In my mind, the boots implied that one needs a good pair of walking shoes in life in order to go down all the roads where life may lead, if we allow it to guide us. I also gave him a wristband with a small compass attached as a symbol for keeping his life, his wanderings, his priorities, and his goals heading in the right direction.  He was choosing purposeful wandering while chasing after God and the winding road that lay before him.  He was willing to take the risks that came with wandering.  He was never lost.  Every step had a purpose. Keeping his eyes straight ahead with every step he took on his journey… He was on a mission. 

It appears to some that I am wandering.  I am wandering, but not aimless wandering. I am wandering with a purpose.  By uprooting my family, eighteen months after the death of my husband, and moving us somewhere in the Hudson River Valley of New York, where we did not know a sole, I was choosing “to follow a winding course.”  I chose to pull away from the noise, the mainstream, and even go against mainstream, in order to wander with God on this winding road for healing of our wounded hearts and restoration of our lives. I chose to allow time for observation, deliberation, circumspection, reflection, and retrospection.  I trusted God that he would hold my hand and reveal to me the next phase and purpose for our lives.

I may be wandering, but I am not lost.  I am on a mission.

Extravagant Love

I met a friend for tea last week to discuss some of my recent writing, and during a pause in the conversation she spontaneously turned to her laptop to pull up the wildly popular viral image of Pope Francis kissing and embracing a severely diseased man. She quickly finds it, then turns the screen towards me as she says, “Have you seen this?”  Of course, I hadn’t, but when the photograph pops up, my insides start to spin in slow motion. The noise from the conversations around me recedes as if someone has turned the volume knob. Immediately, my chest is radiating heat and the upper half of my body feels like a flame is burning.  A sharp lump forms in the base of my throat.  My ears start to ring.  I feel as if I have been quickly transported to an empty, silenced room where the only things that fill the space are this image, my heart, and me.

The next day, I was driving in my car with my two teenagers (and “their” music) when that same powerful visual came to mind. Instantly my eyes were flooded to the brim with tears, as much as my heart and mind were flooded with questions.   What is this trying to say to me?  What “something” inside of me has just been shoved?  And what am I supposed to do with these feelings?

I knew I could not walk away from this experience. I had to explicate it, look for the implications of these incidences, the reason this image of Pope Francis embracing a fellow worshipper touched me in such a deep place.

This is my typical way of responding to weighty issues that cause a movement in my soul.  Actually, sometimes the issue is not even weighty, but for some reason it stirs me, which then leads me to ask myself, “Why is this stirring me? Why did something so seemingly little move me so?”

I know I am not the only one moved emotionally by similar incidences.

Are these experiences somehow connected to our purpose? Down inside our soul, might there be a void craving and searching for an opportunity for our purpose to rise?

In the New Testament, it says, “We don’t yet see things clearly.  We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist.  But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!  But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation:  Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly.  And the best of the three is love.”  1 Corinthians 13:12-13(The Message)

Extravagant love…the best way to love… the best for us to do as we walk through this journey we call life… this is our purpose.

We see this again when Paul writes in Ephesians 5:2,   “Keep company with God and learn a life of love.  Observe how Christ loved us.  His love was not cautious but extravagant.  He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us…Love like that.”  I love that last line, "Love like that." In essence, Paul is saying, “You see how Jesus did it?  Love like that.”

On our twentieth wedding anniversary, my late husband gave me a continuous string of fresh water pearls that was at least 30 inches long. I can wrap it around my neck three times, leave it long, or tie it in a knot, or any other creative way that hits me.   I remember opening the package while we were seated at the restaurant and, as I pulled them out of the pouch, the pearls kept coming and coming and coming until my arm was straight above my head trying to hold them up in the air!  The next day I was telling a good friend about the gift and she said with her southern drawl and a smile on her face, "I just love it when a man can love extravagantly!"

Extravagant means to exceed the limits of reason or necessity, profuse, lavish, lacking in moderation or restraint, excessive.  Does our love look like this?  Paul says, "Love like that." Pope Francis inspired us all as he demonstrated a love like that.  It exceeded the limits of reason, he went beyond what was necessary, and it was lavish, with no restraint.  He simply could have barely touched the top of his head or placed one hand on the man’s shoulder while genuflecting with the other.   He chose extravagant love.  Because he did, it was evident to all the consummate healing balm effect it had as they saw  the man drop his head with a long awaited relief into the bosom of Pope Francis and bask in the touch, the compassion, and the extravagant love. The healing in this man’s heart and spirit was palpable to those watching.

This is what loving extravagantly can do. It heals. It causes situations to turn around.  It lifts spirits.  It turns our eyes to something greater than ourselves.

I yearn to be that conduit for extravagant love.  This is the void.  To have the courage, the boldness, the tenacity, to lean into life and humanity with a heart overflowing with compassion and mercy, to love without borders, towards all who are brought across my path.  Living a life of extravagant love fills a void for both the giver as well as the receiver.  It makes our life complete.

“Go after a life of love as if your life depended on it – because it does.”
1 Corinthians 14:1

Day 21 - Stand

Convictions.  Without them, you will be swept up like a leaf in a current as it picks up and carries anything that is not firmly rooted or attached to something.  This old adage is true, “Stand for something or you will fall for everything.”...  Stand or fall. 

Conviction - A strong persuasion or belief, the state of being, the state of being convinced of an error or of the admission of a truth.  A state of being free from doubt.  A belief strongly held. 

Convictions set you apart from the crowd, the norm, and the status quo.

Rick Warren says that a conviction is “a deeply held belief that helps guide your life.  It’s more than an opinion.  Opinions you argue about.  Convictions you die for.”

People who have deep convictions make a deep impact…good or bad.  Think of people who had strong convictions: Christopher Columbus, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Catherine the Great, Nelson Mandela, Hitler, Osama Bin Laden…. It all depends on what is the driving force behind the convictions.  Love versus hate.  Freedom versus control.  Selflessness versus selfishness… We need to ask ourselves, “Are my convictions deep enough that they are making some sort of impact?”

Whether the driving force is good or bad, there is one thing that those who live by their convictions have in common.  Criticism follows their actions.  Criticism follows conviction because it makes people uncomfortable.  Warren encourages us to “live by your conviction, not the criticism you receive.”  Don’t allow the criticism to cause you to waiver in your conviction…. Stand.

Jesus said in John 15:21, “People will do to you exactly what they did to me.  They will do it because you belong to me and they don’t know the One who sent me.” In other words, you will be criticized for your convictions. His whole life, every action, and every word Jesus spoke came from the framework of his conviction.  Jesus was criticized for the people to whom he spoke, for the people with whom he chose to join for dinner, for speaking what he believed, for challenging the status quo, for doing things differently…  “People will do to you what they did to me.” 

Timothy says it this way, “That is why I am suffering as I am.  Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day.” 2 Timothy 1:12  

Timothy had a strong conviction of what he believed to be true.  Did he suffer because of it? Yes.  Did the suffering cause him to doubt his beliefs or his decisions if he was doing the right thing? No.  I like the way the Message translation words this same verse,  “This is the Message I’ve been set apart to proclaim as preacher, emissary, and teacher.  It’s also the cause of all this trouble I’m in.  But I have not regrets.  I couldn’t be more sure of my ground – the One I’ve trusted in can take care of what he’s trusted me to do right to the end.”

Living by one’s convictions can be a thrill. A thrill in the moment you step out because of what you believe to be true and then you are momentarily suspended, waiting in anticipation for your convictions to catch you, uphold you, and protect you. Because it is more than an opinion, and is something in which you believe to its very core, you are willing to take greater risks where your convictions are concerned.  You are willing to step out of the boat and try to walk on water.  You are willing to go when everyone else says to stay. You are willing to speak up when everyone else is silent. You are willing to not only step out of your comfort zone but also actually live outside of your comfort zone. You are willing to stand on a delicate edge.  You are willing to not only walk into a storm but also actually lean into it with each step with a fixed determination in your heart.

Convictions are like a zip-line.  My daughter recently did a very challenging zip-line course at a ski resort that turns into an adventure course during the summer and early fall.  She has an aversion to any “extreme” type of sport, roller coasters, or any thing where she might feel physically out of control. (I wonder from which parent she got that?) At first she stated she would never do a zip-line.  When invited by a group from church to go last month, she decided she needed to do it strictly because she was afraid of it.  She wanted to face the fear, overcome it, and prove that she could do it when pushed up against the wall.  A few days after she did it, she made an observation about it.  “You know, I don’t know why it feels so scary.  The entire time you are secured with all sorts of ropes and latches.  There is never a time when you are NOT connected.  You may be un-connecting and reconnecting in between points and way up high off of the ground, but there is always one latch in place that keeps you connected to the source of support.  The danger of falling is all in your mind.”

After she told me this, I stood there processing and thought, “Well that was a deep truth.”

Your convictions are your source of support. Fear of rejection and ridicule can keep you from standing but those convictions actually give you the strength you need.  They are the framework that holds your life together or, adversely, without convictions, your life sprawls out everywhere without any real definition.

“Now glory be to God, who by his mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of—infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes.”  Ephesians 3:20  

Why should standing cause us to fear when “by his mighty power at work within us is able to do more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream”?  When we are walking with God, seeking him, following him, communing with him, and loving him with all our heart, our convictions begin to merge with His convictions, His heart and His desires.  When we dare to stand and walk in those convictions, the convictions He has placed inside of you, His mighty power will work within you.

Don’t let the fear of criticism keep you from standing in your convictions.  Criticism will come, but God is greater than any criticism that may get thrown at you.  Keep your eyes straight ahead, not looking to the left or the right wondering what other people are saying about your convictions.  Stand your ground…. and after you have done everything…. stand.

“Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.”  Ephesians 6:13

DAY 20 - Right Under Your Nose

My writing was buried this past month in the life of being a single parent.  With back to school physicals and eye appointments for the whole family behind me, back to school shopping and college preparation completed, trading of my van for a car for Mia to take to school checked off the list (this means I am temporarily and personally car-less, but Julia and I will share her car as we work together around one another’s schedules), Mia tucked into her new college near Boston, Michael starting ninth grade this week, and Julia going full speed ahead with her college chemistry class and her other senior year subjects and other endeavors, I am now able to take a step back, breathe deeply, and dive back into writing, which I desperately miss when I am not doing it.  It is as important to my daily mental and physical health as exercising and eating right.

In “40 Days of Empowerment”, I am working through Rick Warren’s book entitled, What On Earth Am I Here For?, which has 40 daily readings.  I quickly found out at the beginning that trying to daily read, meditate, and marinate on these readings then figure our their application to my personal life, try to implement a change in my thoughts or actions, AND write about it, was entirely too much to do on a daily basis.  I found that a week per reading is best for me, sometimes a little less and sometimes a little more.  Sometimes I read and it spurs my thoughts in an entirely different direction but God uses what was read to get me to go these different places.  This being said, sometimes what I write will directly coincide with the daily reading and other times it will be my own little rabbit trail in which I have journeyed along by following God’s lead. 

Today will be one of those rabbit trails…

There are five purposes for our existence listed in Warren’s book, by day 20, we are still on purpose #2, "You were formed for God’s family".  The “God’s family” who stare me in the face everyday are my children.  Many people pray and pray and cry out to God wanting to know their purpose and His will for their lives, forgetting that if they are a parent, married, or part of an earthly family, their immediate purpose is right under their nose.  Be faithful where you are, with what you have been given, then God will shed some light a little bit further down your path…but be present to God right where you are, grow where you are planted, be faithful in little, line upon line, precept upon precept.  I can shine the light of God and walk in His purpose right here in my house in front of and alongside my children.

I remember reading a book years ago by Beth Moore entitled Feathers From My Nest.  She mentioned how during the simple act of folding her kid’s laundry, she would be thankful for them and pray for them.  I started doing the same thing and began to feel joy, love, and thankfulness for the person whose clothes I was folding. I have an added direction of thoughts and prayers while I am folding now that I never had before.  My son has become the same size that my husband was but Michael Anthony is even 2 inches taller.  When I fold his clean clothes, I am usually folding a shirt that was once my husband’s.  This makes me reminisce, see his face, remember his smell, and where he wore each shirt, then my thoughts turn to Michael Anthony and what a big strong young man he has become.    Often times, I use the time of folding clothes to contemplate life. 

I was folding clothes the other day…

These were my thoughts and my internal conversation with God and their progression in my head...all while folding laundry.  “We spend incredible amounts of time together as a family. Lord, was this all part of Your plan…. our abundance of time together? Are we being pulled way back like a stone in sling shot so that when You release us we will come out with full strength for the purpose You have laid before each one of us? I am so thankful that the kids want to spend time with me, with each other, and in this house.  I have been just a beckon call away, down the hall, every day, for the last two and half years (about 915 days to be exact).  God, I see how you have pulled us tightly together to heal and to rebuild our strength by being in one another’s presence in concentrated doses.  Security has blossomed in spite of insecure times.  You pulled us away from all we knew in the South and placed us in the countryside of the northeast where we must look to one another and depend on one another.  You are accomplishing what could only be accomplished by being in this private setting where you have placed us.  You are speaking to us through nature, beauty, and solitude.  We are living out our purpose for this season. Our purpose is to minister to one another and to hear Your voice with greater clarity.  You are using each of us to help heal and strengthen the next. You have supernaturally supplied all of our needs in each other.  There has not been a need to look elsewhere.  It is surreal, really. How is it that so much time has passed and we are still needing this so desperately and willingly receiving this gift from You?  I can see Your hand all over this.  We exercise together, cook together, eat every meal together, watch movies together, listen to music together, travel together, worship together, pray together, cry together, and even get mad together and then hug and forgive together.  I am content and am at rest and peace in this season.  You brought us here to slow down, be quiet, rest, and restore.  As we have done this, it is easier to hear Your whispers.  It is easier to recognize one another’s needs… and that’s our purpose in Your family, our family, right?  To love like Jesus?  Be compassionate, patient, forgiving, kind, merciful, slow to anger, and all of that?  Only You could have orchestrated this place and brought my little family unit together to heal and grow again as one.  How blessed we are to be able to live the quiet life.  It feeds my soul…it feeds the kids too…even when they don’t always see it. You have opened my eyes today to the bigger picture. I am so glad that you know me, you know Mia, you know Julia, and you know Michael Anthony, better than we know ourselves.  You know our needs before we even have them.  I see how You have met our needs in this quiet place where our hearts have been able to settle down and rest. You truly have kept us under Your wings of protection, like in an eagle’s nest, high above the other trees, so high that it is silent, in a strong, warm, and cozy nest, depending on You and each other for survival."

You were formed for God’s family.  Keep your eyes straight ahead and start with the family God gave you, the ones right under your nose.  Your main purpose lies there.  Redeem the time.

“Look carefully then how you walk!  Live purposefully and worthily and accurately, not as the unwise and the witless, but as wise (sensible and intelligent people), making the most of the time (buying up each opportunity), because the days are evil. Therefore do not be vague and thoughtless and foolish, but understanding and firmly grasping what the will of the Lord is.” Ephesians 5:15-16