In my life leading up to today’s teaching for Day 2 from What on Earth am I Here For, I did not have “issues” with the three main questions that Rick Warren proposes are life’s greatest questions: the question of existence, the question of significance, and the question of intention. To my remembrance, I have never struggled with these questions in my entire life. I have always known there was a reason for my existence, that my life mattered, and that there was a purpose for my life. But since I lost Michael, my life, my journey, my purpose, has taken an extreme detour and it has caused me to not recognize my purpose as easily as I once did.
A detour does not mean my purpose has changed, it only means that the road on which I will be traveling while walking in that purpose is leading me in a different direction. I wrote about this in my first blog, A Woman’s Heart, which followed my heart, my pain, my faith, and my hope the first fifteen months of my grief. This particular post was entitled, “New Map, Same Destination?” My purpose looked differently when I was married to Michael Barranco but the purpose God planned for my life has not changed just because Michael is no longer with me on the journey. I have been stumbling through using a new map when I had been quite comfortable with the old map. I had to deal with the question, “Is the destination (my purpose) still the same, even though I have a new map?” Physically, my purpose looks differently now, but its still the same purpose. I am still looking at my purpose every day and trying to recognize the new face it has.
When someone has had a terrible accident and has completely damaged their face, they have reconstructive surgery and scars, sometimes to the point that their close friends may look at them and think, “Is that you? You look so different? “ It may even be uncomfortable to be around them at first because things feel different than they once did. Eventually, familiarity is restored. Since Michael died, I feel like I am squinting while looking at the purpose God has had for me since the beginning of time, straining my eyes to see something familiar. In my mind I think, “Is that you, Purpose? How will you look without Michael by my side? How will you manifest yourself now that the surroundings and the people have changed?” This is where I struggle.
When someone has had a terrible accident and has completely damaged their face, they have reconstructive surgery and scars, sometimes to the point that their close friends may look at them and think, “Is that you? You look so different? “ It may even be uncomfortable to be around them at first because things feel different than they once did. Eventually, familiarity is restored. Since Michael died, I feel like I am squinting while looking at the purpose God has had for me since the beginning of time, straining my eyes to see something familiar. In my mind I think, “Is that you, Purpose? How will you look without Michael by my side? How will you manifest yourself now that the surroundings and the people have changed?” This is where I struggle.
I know the significance is there. I know there is still a purpose for my life but I feel like I have been given a new owner’s manual to teach me a different way to use a tool that I not only have had my whole life, but had also used it so much that it had become comfortable in my hand. I am not comfortable with my purpose right now. I think my purpose had gotten so intertwined with Michael’s purpose that it is strange to see my purpose separated from his. My purpose and I are getting reacquainted and trying to get past the awkward moments of not knowing how to act or what to say. I am recognizing its face more and more with each passing day. Every once in awhile, a situation will arise or a conversation will take place with someone new and, suddenly, I catch a glimpse of purpose, in a new location. I almost feel my heart say, “There you are. I have missed seeing you.”
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